Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
