The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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