I cannot find my penis.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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