Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize