Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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