I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
