Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
