I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
