i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
