dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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