Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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