can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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