Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm passing your future prison.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
