My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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