I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
