This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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