You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
