There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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