You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
