Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
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