My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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