This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
