Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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