I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
