I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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