They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
