I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
