I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
