Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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