Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
