I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
