I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
