He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
no you cant smoke seaweed
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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