I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Two words: blizzard sex
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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