you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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