Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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