My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
