i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
