I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
