I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize