At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
