You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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