I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
