I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
