There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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