I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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