I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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