OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
