I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
