I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
