RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
