i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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