You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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