If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
