I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
