You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
