Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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